Introducing

Ivan as a Service

The most advanced engineer we’ve ever created.

Starting at 1 coffee/hour. Available in one stunning finish.

        
Brain M5 Ultra
iOS-native neural engine

Up to
50%
faster
with Dutch Programming

Up to
16h

continuous coding

Always-On Smile Display

Adaptive brightness based on coffee intake

        
Ultra Wideband
Connects to any team, any stack, any deadline

13+
internal tools
built from scratch at Raccoon Gang

Performance

Brain M5 Ultra.

Engineered for iOS. Overclockable to anything.

At its core, the Brain M5 Ultra is a purpose-built iOS engine — Swift, SwiftUI, UIKit, refined over years of native development. But here’s the thing: it doesn’t stop there. When the task demands Kotlin, Python, Vue, or Flutter, Ivan switches modes. Not blindly — every cross-platform build gets reviewed by native specialists before shipping. Think of it as a dedicated iOS chip with a universal co-processor. And with 10 years of professional design experience baked into the neural engine, every interface comes out pixel-perfect.

Swift compilation

9.8 / 10

Bug detection

94% first scan

Idea-to-prototype

1 client call

Pizza dough hydration

Perfect 65%

Battery

All day. All night.
All sprint.

Up to 16 hours of continuous coding on a single charge.

16h Feature development

14h Code review with constructive sarcasm

12h Architecture debates

8h Meetings (battery drains faster in this mode)

∞ Talking about pizza

Charging: Accepts coffee (any roast), pizza (Neapolitan preferred), and genuine compliments. Fast-charge with espresso — 0 to 100% in 20 minutes.

Low Power Mode activates automatically after 10pm. Responses become shorter but still accurate.

Capabilities

iOS-native. Battle-tested beyond.

A Senior iOS Engineer with 10 years of design experience. When the mission demands going beyond native — he does. With honest self-awareness and native code review as a safety net.

Native iOS

Swift, SwiftUI, UIKit. The home turf. 5+ years of native iOS, built from scratch to App Store. This is where the magic happens.

Native Android

Kotlin, Jetpack Compose. Not the native language, but fluent enough to ship — and smart enough to get native code review before release.

Web Frontend

Vue, React, vanilla JS. Built for internal tools that don’t face outward. Every external project gets reviewed by web specialists.

Backend

Python, Django, Node. Powers the internal arsenal — analytics engines, AI tools, automation. Internal-grade, not shipped blind.

AI Integration

Built-in intelligence that doesn’t just wrap ChatGPT. Real AI features, real solutions, real value. 13 internal tools and counting.

Cross-Platform

Flutter when the budget demands it. Native when quality demands it. Always honest about trade-offs.

Plans & Pricing

Simple, transparent pricing.

Consultation

Free

Ivan looks at your code and says “interesting…” then proceeds to find the bug you’ve been hunting for three days.

1 raised eyebrow
Architectural advice
An honest opinion (whether you asked for it or not)

Book a call

Sprint Mode

1 coffee/hr

Ivan builds your feature faster than you can write the Jira ticket for it.

Clean code (guaranteed)
Tests (yes, real ones)
Unsolicited UI improvements (you’ll thank him later)
Dutch Programming methodology

Start a sprint

Current Plan

Full Deployment

Contact Sales

Ivan joins your team full-time. Your competitors start worrying.

Everything in Sprint Mode
Architecture decisions that age well
Process optimization (prepare for 50% speed boosts)
AI tooling for every department
Team mentorship & motivation
Neapolitan pizza at team events

Already deployed — Raccoon Gang

Tech Specs

System requirements.

Processor Brain M5 Ultra — iOS-native engine with universal co-processor mode

Memory 5+ years iOS development + 10 years professional design, expandable via documentation

Storage 13+ shipped products, unlimited ideas in queue

Battery 16h continuous coding, coffee-rechargeable, fast-charge via espresso

Display Always-On Smile, adaptive brightness based on coffee intake

Connectivity Wi-Fi 7 (works from any café), Bluetooth to any team, NFC (Natural Friendly Communication)

Operating System IvanOS 4.0 (Raccoon Gang Edition)

Water Resistance IP68 — survives coffee spills and deadline pressure

Biometric Face ID for Slack messages, Touch ID for approving PRs

Audio Dual speakers — one for standups, one for explaining why the deadline is actually fine

Supported Accessories MacBook Pro (required), 2+ monitors, Spotify Premium, emergency pizza fund

Known Bugs Occasionally talks about pizza for too long. Will not be patched.

What’s in the Box

Everything you need.

1× Ivan (fully charged)

1× 10 years of design experience (factory-installed)

1× MacBook Pro (non-negotiable)

1× Infinite supply of ideas

1× Dutch Programming methodology

1× Honest code review (handle with care)

0× User manual (figures things out)

Coffee adapter sold separately.